Elon Musk’s appointment to lead the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE)—yes, it’s real, and yes, the acronym is hilariously on-brand—has the internet clutching its collective pearls. Why? Because Musk, never one to shy away from controversy, is furthering his declaration of war on remote work. For those wondering, no, he hasn’t explained the sink stunt at Twitter HQ, but I'm guessing it had something to do with flushing remote work dreams down the drain or tossing everything but the kitchen sink. I guess he meant it since the company is now X – I still don’t get it but who am I to judge.
He’s called remote work “morally wrong,” lumping it in with jaywalking, double-dipping chips, and pineapple on pizza. Musk’s solution? Show up to the office for 40 hours a week, or don’t show up at all – omg, what a novel concept. And now, as the “top dog” of DOGE, he’s taking his message to the federal workforce and moving their cheese.
Turns out, only 6% of federal employees work in-person full-time- um, really? For Musk (and those outside the beltway), this was apparently the biggest affront to American efficiency since the invention of the DMV. “Absurd,” he declared, presumably while yelling at a Zoom meeting about TPS reports. His grand plan? Get butts back in seats, cut government spending, and “increase efficiency”.
A Monumental Win for America
If DOGE achieves absolutely nothing else—and let’s be real, that’s entirely possible—but drags federal employees and their union bosses kicking and screaming back into their cubicles, it’ll go down as the greatest bureaucratic victory since someone figured out how to double-staple paperwork or use a paperclip.
Why? Because CEOs and senior leaders everywhere are losing their minds trying to get employees out of their pajamas, bubble baths, and back into their uncomfortable office chairs. The WFH crowd swore up and down that eliminating commutes would spark unprecedented productivity. Spoiler alert: it didn’t. Instead, employees perfected the art of juggling sourdough starter kits, spa days, and TikTok doom-scrolling during Zoom calls - shocking.
The WFH Productivity Mirage
Let’s rewind back to 2020, when remote work was the shiny new savior of the modern workplace and we were living under the cloud of true tyranny. “Productivity is up!” they crowed, conveniently ignoring that everyone was just working longer hours in between their new pandemic hobbies. Fast forward a few years later, and the cracks are not only showing but becoming massive sinkholes gobbling up productivity by the handfuls. Tasks that used to take five minutes in the office now require six Slack threads, four emails, and an emergency Zoom meeting – quick grab that handy button down, the boss is on this one.
CEOs across the board aren’t buying the hype anymore - finally. Collaboration? Gone. Innovation? Stalled. Team spirit? About as lively as a Monday morning spreadsheet. It turns out that unsupervised workers don’t magically become paragons of efficiency. Who knew that Covid would not change human behavior? The only CEO losing sleep over this is at Lands’ End, watching pajama sales take a nap while button-up shirts clock back in.
Musk’s Vision: The Office as the New Frontier
Elon Musk isn’t listening to remote work fantasies. To him and most common-sense leaders, the office is sacred ground: the birthplace of innovation, collaboration, and passive-aggressive Post-it notes about stolen yogurt. Without it, how will “Linda” ever find justice?
And he’s certainly not alone. Andy Jassy at Amazon, Bob Iger at Disney, and David Solomon at Goldman Sachs have all been waving the “Back to the Office” flag, albeit with slightly more PR polish than Musk’s brute-force tactics. Behind closed doors, however, they’re all fed up with what they see as a generation of pajama-clad prima donnas resisting the call to return to civilization.
The Ripple Effect: Fixing Everything, Everywhere, All at Once
Musk’s DOGE experiment isn’t just about government efficiency—it’s truly about saving America from itself. Federal workers returning to their desks will put a dagger in the WFHer’s dreams - states, local governments, and private businesses will follow. Cities like my hometown San Francisco, where empty office spaces echo like ghost towns, might even get a second chance at life.
Because let’s face it: remote work unintended consequences haven’t been kind to downtown economies. San Francisco’s office vacancy rate is allegedly 26%, but word on the street says it’s more like 70% when you count the ghost leases. Meanwhile, New York bounced back thanks to a more aggressive return-to-office movement. The lesson? The death of downtown can only be reversed by… drumroll… the return of overpriced lunch salads, lattes, and awkward elevator chats.
Reclaiming the Strategic Advantage
But, the real issue isn’t just productivity; it’s reclaiming America’s competitive and creative edge. You can’t brainstorm the next great idea while muted on Zoom with Sonny Holstein shrieking in the background, and you certainly can’t build world-class teams without in-person mentorship. From tech startups to Wall Street, the message is clear: the magic happens when people are together.
DOGE’s crusade may sound heavy-handed, but Musk’s cohort sees the bigger picture. He’s not just dragging people back to the office; he’s reminding us of what makes American work culture great. Sure, remote work was a nice fantasy, but the experiment is over. It’s time to get back to reality—one awkward small talk and fluorescent light at a time.
So, here’s to Elon Musk, DOGE, and the return of the office. Love it or hate it, at least "Linda’s" yogurt is safe. For now.
Great article. Think about it logically, CEOs and CFOs wouldn’t want to pay for office space if they felt their business was as good or better with remote workers.